2. An Approved Topic: Why are women important in Davids life/ why are women important to David
Thesis: Aunt harriet (capitilize 'h'), Sophie and Rosalind are all very importatn (spelling) women in David's life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Intro: If you were in a society like in the chrysalids (capitalize the title) world(don't think you need world), (advise you get rid of the comma, especially if you follow the other suggestions) and people tell (told) you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? (Remember the funnel structure we worked on in class. Don't start your paragragh mentioning the novel at all; start more generally. Even taking out 'like in the chrysalids' would suffice.) Well (well not needed) in the book "the chrysalids"(capitilize title) a few female characters try to show/ express (don't use try and use show) that this whole deviation thing (try to avoid using the word 'thing'. For instance, 'idea', or reword it (that the entire idea of deviations) is wrong (that deviations don't exist), and how everyone is same (and everyone is the same). Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David’s life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Intro editd: Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book " The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "the chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women is David's life, because they all teach him everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Body par 1 edited: Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie meant a lot to David, since she was his first best friend, he ever had. They played around together all the time and sophie didnt even care about her feet being so visible around David. David who is the son of Joseph strorm realizes after meeing sophie, and her fmaily, that deviations are no any different from " normal" norms, nor harmful, but they are very innocent and have no harm, to be done on them. This teaches david a huge lesson that everything, that his father told him since he was very young, was not true, but alll made up. (Like as what David's father taught him his whole life about deviations, and their bad personality, and harmfulness.) (teaches him that deviations are nothat different from "normal" norms.) Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting of david mor ethan his own paernts. david learns from them, especially from sophie, that deviations are not different, or harmful to the society. Like as, what david's father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are harmful. This is ironic because after meeint deviations, david doesnt see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people. After a while, sophie's family get caught and has to leave waknuk. David who;s really wanting to run away, along with them, later on stays for sophies safety, since if joseph strorms son would have gone missing, then sophie would be in great danger. Around 10 years laater, david and sophie meet again, and their friendship continues. In the end, sophie falls in love with "spider man", dies along with her love.
2nd par edited: David has a life full of women who care about him, but from all these women there is one main women who stands out, which Aunt Harriet. She is not considered a main character in this book, but everytime she is talked about or appears inthe book, she says things which really helps david become less like his father "joseph strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David's mother, emily strorm, had a two kids before, who were both deviations and got killed. And once again was pregnant and got a third child, who also was a deviation. Since Aunt Harriet and emily strorm were sisters, aunt harriet asked her sister for a favour, which was to switch, petra, emily's new born daughter, and arunt harriets child, for a few days, so that the when the inspector comes to check on the baby, she would not be considered a deviation. But emily denies the requet since her own husband was the leader of waknuk and she did ont want to disobey his rules. (with this happening of the inspector found that that her third child was a deviation they would take the babyaway and kill it, her husband can leave her now, and she can get sent away from waknuk. This event helps david, give him a image about all the similiar things which were happening to his friend, and now his aunt. And, so later on when aunt harriet dies, david remembers her for all the things she did, and what she tried to do to help, but it did not work. (Aunt harriet suicides by drowning herself, with her eyes wide open, to that no only her, but everyone can see beyong what waknuk see.)
Rosalind, who is david's cousin + girlfriend..ewwwww
emily is davids moms name
Please do not erase the previous paragraph and rewrite it below
If you were in a society like in the chrysalids world, and people tell you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? Well in the book "the chrysalids" a few female characters try to show/ express that this whole deviation thing is wrong, and how everyone is same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David’s life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
(deviations are all considered the same as normal people in David's society ("perfect" people), and that if you think about it, everyone is a deviation in some way.)
New Thesis: Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind are very important women in David's life because they all teach Dvid that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
New intro: Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book "The chrysalids" women are more important to Davids life, rather then men. If you were in a society like in The Chrysalids, and people told you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? The Chrysalids has a few female characters who try to express and tell David that deviations don't exist, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David's life because they all teach him that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
New intro 2: Who do you think is more important in your life, men or women? In the book " The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "The Chrysalids", and people told you everything you believe was wrong, would you believe them? "The Chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women in Davids life, because they all teach him that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Body paragraph #1 : Sophie was a very (don't think you need very) nice(,) and first close friend to David(sentence doesn't really make sense). They first met, when David was playing around (around not needed) and sliding down this (a) hill. Sophie, who is (was) David's first encounterer, who is a devation in a physical way (with a deviation with a physical difference) , teaches him that deviations are not that different from "normal" norms. Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting to (of) David more then his very (very not needed) own parents. David, learns from them, especially (from) Sophie that deviations are not different, or harmful to the Society. Like as, what Davids father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are very harmful. This is very ironic because, after meeting a deviation, David doesn't see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people.
Body paragraph new #1: Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie ment alot to David, since she was his first best friend, that he ever had.
who is a deviation in a physical way, is Davids first gets into trouble were she has to show that part of the body. This was Davids first time meeting a deviation. event was Davids first time meeting with a deviationone way how sophie and David get close. With Sophies bravery
Body Paragraph #2: David who has a life full of nice women who care about him alot. One of the main women who stand out is Aunt Harriet. She is not really (really not needed) considered a main character in the book " The chrysalids" but everytime she seems to appear in the book, she says things which really help David to become less like his father " Joseph Strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David(')s mother(,) had a few kids who were all deviations. When she had her last kid, she went to her sister for help, and to switch babies just for a few days so that the inspectors would not catch her child being a deviation. Of course, David(')s mother said "NO" since she is the wife of Joseph Shhhhhtrorm, the leader of Waknuk. And she wanted to stay with her husband(')s rules. A while later, she commits suicide, by drowning herself with her eyes WIDE OPEN. This event
Body Paragraph #3: Rosalind who is Davids cousin + girlfriend .......eww
Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book “The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "the Chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same (doesn’t make sense). Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women is David's life, because they all teach him everyone is considered a deviation in some way. Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie meant a lot to David, since she was his first best friend, he ever had (don’t need he eve had). They played around together all the time and Sophie didn't (did not) even care about (that) her feet being so visible around David. David who is the son of Joseph Strorm realizes after meeting Sophie, and her family, that deviations are no any different from “normal" norms, nor harmful, (and) but they are very innocent and have no harm (don’t need you mentioned they have no harm already), to be done on them. This teaches David a huge lesson that everything that his father told him since he was very young, was not true, but all made up. (Like as what David's father taught him his whole life about deviations, and their bad personality, and harmfulness.) (teaches him that deviations are not that different from "normal" norms.) Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting of David more than his own parents. David learns from them, especially from Sophie, that deviations are not different, or harmful to the society. Like as, what David's father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are harmful. This is ironic because after meeting deviations, David doesn't see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people. After a while, Sophie's family get caught and has (have) to leave (W)waknuk. David who's really wanting (really wanted) to run away along with them, later on stays for sophies safety, since if joseph strorms son would have gone missing, then sophie would be in great danger. Around 10 years later, david and sophie meet again, and their friendship continues. In the end, sophie falls in love with "spider man", dies along with her love.
David has a life full of women who care about him, but from all these women there is one main women (woman) who stands out, which (is) Aunt Harriet. She is not considered a main character in this book, but every time she is talked about or appears in the book, she says things which really helps david become less like his father "joseph strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David's mother, emily strorm, had a two kids before, who were both deviations and got killed. (don’t need) And once again (she) was pregnant and got a third child, who also was a deviation. Since Aunt Harriet and emily strorm were sisters, aunt harriet asked her sister for a favour, which was to switch, petra, emily's new born daughter, and (aunt) arunt harriets child, for a few days, so that the (don’t need) when the inspector comes to check on the baby, she would not be considered a deviation. But emily denies the requet (spelling) since her own husband was the leader of waknuk and she did not want to disobey his rules. (with this happening of the inspector found that that her third child was a deviation they would take the babyaway and kill it, her husband can leave her now, and she can get sent away from waknuk. This event helps david, give him a image about all the similiar things which were happening to his friend, and now his aunt. And, so later on when aunt harriet dies, david remembers her for all the things she did, and what she tried to do to help, but it did not work. (Aunt harriet suicides by drowning herself, with her eyes wide open, to that know only her, but everyone can see beyond what waknuk see.)
Body paragraph
#1- Sophie
#2- Aunt Harriet
#3- Rosalind
5. First Draft of your Essay
(Finish by april 4th, 2011)
6. Peer Comments Adrian B Fatima N Eleanor Jeewon Han ~~ :D Malisha N
7. Good Copy in MLA format
Peer Comments:
Person 1 - Introduction Paragraph 1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis? 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 2 - Body Paragraphs 1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters? 2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 3 - Concluding Paragraph 1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary. 2. Does the conclusion have a memorable ending? 3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
2. An Approved Topic: Why are women important in Davids life/ why are women important to David
Thesis: Aunt harriet (capitilize 'h'), Sophie and Rosalind are all very importatn (spelling) women in David's life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Intro: If you were in a society like in the chrysalids (capitalize the title) world(don't think you need world), (advise you get rid of the comma, especially if you follow the other suggestions) and people tell (told) you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? (Remember the funnel structure we worked on in class. Don't start your paragragh mentioning the novel at all; start more generally. Even taking out 'like in the chrysalids' would suffice.) Well (well not needed) in the book "the chrysalids"(capitilize title) a few female characters try to show/ express (don't use try and use show) that this whole deviation thing (try to avoid using the word 'thing'. For instance, 'idea', or reword it (that the entire idea of deviations) is wrong (that deviations don't exist), and how everyone is same (and everyone is the same). Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David’s life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Intro editd: Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book " The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "the chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women is David's life, because they all teach him everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Body par 1 edited: Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie meant a lot to David, since she was his first best friend, he ever had. They played around together all the time and sophie didnt even care about her feet being so visible around David. David who is the son of Joseph strorm realizes after meeing sophie, and her fmaily, that deviations are no any different from " normal" norms, nor harmful, but they are very innocent and have no harm, to be done on them. This teaches david a huge lesson that everything, that his father told him since he was very young, was not true, but alll made up. (Like as what David's father taught him his whole life about deviations, and their bad personality, and harmfulness.) (teaches him that deviations are nothat different from "normal" norms.) Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting of david mor ethan his own paernts. david learns from them, especially from sophie, that deviations are not different, or harmful to the society. Like as, what david's father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are harmful. This is ironic because after meeint deviations, david doesnt see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people. After a while, sophie's family get caught and has to leave waknuk. David who;s really wanting to run away, along with them, later on stays for sophies safety, since if joseph strorms son would have gone missing, then sophie would be in great danger. Around 10 years laater, david and sophie meet again, and their friendship continues. In the end, sophie falls in love with "spider man", dies along with her love.
2nd par edited: David has a life full of women who care about him, but from all these women there is one main women who stands out, which Aunt Harriet. She is not considered a main character in this book, but everytime she is talked about or appears inthe book, she says things which really helps david become less like his father "joseph strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David's mother, emily strorm, had a two kids before, who were both deviations and got killed. And once again was pregnant and got a third child, who also was a deviation. Since Aunt Harriet and emily strorm were sisters, aunt harriet asked her sister for a favour, which was to switch, petra, emily's new born daughter, and arunt harriets child, for a few days, so that the when the inspector comes to check on the baby, she would not be considered a deviation. But emily denies the requet since her own husband was the leader of waknuk and she did ont want to disobey his rules. (with this happening of the inspector found that that her third child was a deviation they would take the babyaway and kill it, her husband can leave her now, and she can get sent away from waknuk. This event helps david, give him a image about all the similiar things which were happening to his friend, and now his aunt. And, so later on when aunt harriet dies, david remembers her for all the things she did, and what she tried to do to help, but it did not work. (Aunt harriet suicides by drowning herself, with her eyes wide open, to that no only her, but everyone can see beyong what waknuk see.)
Rosalind, who is david's cousin + girlfriend..ewwwww
emily is davids moms name
Please do not erase the previous paragraph and rewrite it below
If you were in a society like in the chrysalids world, and people tell you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? Well in the book "the chrysalids" a few female characters try to show/ express that this whole deviation thing is wrong, and how everyone is same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David’s life because they all teach David that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
(deviations are all considered the same as normal people in David's society ("perfect" people), and that if you think about it, everyone is a deviation in some way.)
New Thesis: Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind are very important women in David's life because they all teach Dvid that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
New intro: Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book "The chrysalids" women are more important to Davids life, rather then men. If you were in a society like in The Chrysalids, and people told you everything you know is wrong, would you believe them? The Chrysalids has a few female characters who try to express and tell David that deviations don't exist, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie and Rosalind, are all very important women in David's life because they all teach him that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
New intro 2: Who do you think is more important in your life, men or women? In the book " The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "The Chrysalids", and people told you everything you believe was wrong, would you believe them? "The Chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same. Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women in Davids life, because they all teach him that everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Body paragraph #1 : Sophie was a very (don't think you need very) nice(,) and first close friend to David(sentence doesn't really make sense). They first met, when David was playing around (around not needed) and sliding down this (a) hill. Sophie, who is (was) David's first encounterer, who is a devation in a physical way (with a deviation with a physical difference) , teaches him that deviations are not that different from "normal" norms. Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting to (of) David more then his very (very not needed) own parents. David, learns from them, especially (from) Sophie that deviations are not different, or harmful to the Society. Like as, what Davids father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are very harmful. This is very ironic because, after meeting a deviation, David doesn't see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people.
Body paragraph new #1: Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie ment alot to David, since she was his first best friend, that he ever had.
who is a deviation in a physical way, is Davids first gets into trouble were she has to show that part of the body. This was Davids first time meeting a deviation. event was Davids first time meeting with a deviationone way how sophie and David get close. With Sophies bravery
Body Paragraph #2: David who has a life full of nice women who care about him alot. One of the main women who stand out is Aunt Harriet. She is not really (really not needed) considered a main character in the book " The chrysalids" but everytime she seems to appear in the book, she says things which really help David to become less like his father " Joseph Strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David(')s mother(,) had a few kids who were all deviations. When she had her last kid, she went to her sister for help, and to switch babies just for a few days so that the inspectors would not catch her child being a deviation. Of course, David(')s mother said "NO" since she is the wife of Joseph Shhhhhtrorm, the leader of Waknuk. And she wanted to stay with her husband(')s rules. A while later, she commits suicide, by drowning herself with her eyes WIDE OPEN. This event
Body Paragraph #3: Rosalind who is Davids cousin + girlfriend .......eww
Who do you think is more important to your life, men or women? In the book “The Chrysalids", women, rather than men, are more important to David, the main character's life. If you were in a society like in "the Chrysalids" has a few female characters who try to express to David that deviations should not be treated differently, and that everyone is the same (doesn’t make sense). Aunt Harriet, Sophie, and Rosalind, are all very important women is David's life, because they all teach him everyone is considered a deviation in some way.
Sophie and David first met, when David was playing and sliding down a hill. Sophie meant a lot to David, since she was his first best friend, he ever had (don’t need he eve had). They played around together all the time and Sophie didn't (did not) even care about (that) her feet being so visible around David. David who is the son of Joseph Strorm realizes after meeting Sophie, and her family, that deviations are no any different from “normal" norms, nor harmful, (and) but they are very innocent and have no harm (don’t need you mentioned they have no harm already), to be done on them. This teaches David a huge lesson that everything that his father told him since he was very young, was not true, but all made up. (Like as what David's father taught him his whole life about deviations, and their bad personality, and harmfulness.) (teaches him that deviations are not that different from "normal" norms.) Sophie and her parents are very kind and excepting of David more than his own parents. David learns from them, especially from Sophie, that deviations are not different, or harmful to the society. Like as, what David's father taught him his whole life, that deviations are not allowed in the society and they are harmful. This is ironic because after meeting deviations, David doesn't see anything different from "normal" people and "deviation" people. After a while, Sophie's family get caught and has (have) to leave (W)waknuk. David who's really wanting (really wanted) to run away along with them, later on stays for sophies safety, since if joseph strorms son would have gone missing, then sophie would be in great danger. Around 10 years later, david and sophie meet again, and their friendship continues. In the end, sophie falls in love with "spider man", dies along with her love.
David has a life full of women who care about him, but from all these women there is one main women (woman) who stands out, which (is) Aunt Harriet. She is not considered a main character in this book, but every time she is talked about or appears in the book, she says things which really helps david become less like his father "joseph strorm". Aunt Harriet who is the sister of David's mother, emily strorm, had a two kids before, who were both deviations and got killed. (don’t need) And once again (she) was pregnant and got a third child, who also was a deviation. Since Aunt Harriet and emily strorm were sisters, aunt harriet asked her sister for a favour, which was to switch, petra, emily's new born daughter, and (aunt) arunt harriets child, for a few days, so that the (don’t need) when the inspector comes to check on the baby, she would not be considered a deviation. But emily denies the requet (spelling) since her own husband was the leader of waknuk and she did not want to disobey his rules. (with this happening of the inspector found that that her third child was a deviation they would take the babyaway and kill it, her husband can leave her now, and she can get sent away from waknuk. This event helps david, give him a image about all the similiar things which were happening to his friend, and now his aunt. And, so later on when aunt harriet dies, david remembers her for all the things she did, and what she tried to do to help, but it did not work. (Aunt harriet suicides by drowning herself, with her eyes wide open, to that know only her, but everyone can see beyond what waknuk see.)
Body paragraph
#1- Sophie
#2- Aunt Harriet
#3- Rosalind
5. First Draft of your Essay
(Finish by april 4th, 2011)
6. Peer Comments
Adrian B
Fatima N
Eleanor
Jeewon Han ~~ :D
Malisha N
7. Good Copy in MLA format
Peer Comments:
Person 1 - Introduction Paragraph
1.Does the introduction paragraph grab your attention? Does it anticipates an insightful thesis?
2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 2 - Body Paragraphs
1.How well are the quotations integrated and analysed? Have they been chosen with care and taken from a variety of chapters?
2.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Person 3 - Concluding Paragraph
1.Does the conclusion include a reworded thesis, summary.
2. Does the conclusion have a memorable ending?
3.How strong is the development of the argument for the whole essay?
Good Copy in MLA format: